Nomadic Smokers

In his wisdom
(I use this term advisadly)
Our leader decided to fence off the back of the sports hall,
In the misguided belief it would deter the nicotine addicts from using this area for their surreptitious activities.
But as predicted by anyone with even a nano brain,
they merely move their base of operations to the rear of the recently constructed
and might I add conveniently located porta cabin.
I have the overwhelming urge to rig a small explosive charge in the shrubbery near the building they congregate behind.
Unfortunately, although most of the community would applaud my Pavlovian solution there will always be the deluded beaurocrat who still believes children
(sorry) young persons can always be taught with kindness.......
Yeh right!!!
Okay gonna devise a way to make it look accidental
I need some help
Now where is Bill or Stan? :)

Interesting Question ?

found this on a friends journal and I got curious.???????

If you had me alone, locked up in your house for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you do with me? All replies will be permanently screened because it's a secret.

Then repost this in your blog.

You might be surprised by the response :p

I HATE RAIN !!!

Friday started well....with me wanting Stan to come and kick our server because it refused to behave in any way that resembled something useful. Unfortunately he refused to come and kick it because he couldn't invoice the school for 'consultancy equipment- Doc Martin uk8' ......personally I think contractors boots are standard equipment and can't be contested. Anyway I thought things were getting better when I actually managed to get something that resembled a lunch hour alas all I could manage was 20 minutes and a cup of tea but hey its an improvement.
Then it all went horribly wrong during period 5 when some 'little fucktard' set off the fire alarm.... at first the rain was only light... but as the gods that we have pissed off several times over realised I was trapped on an open tennis court the heavens opened!!!
NO COAT !! NO UMBRELLA !! NO SHELTER !! and I am well known for my dislike of precipitation
20 minutes later I was soaked to the skin and looked worse than a drowned rat.
I had another 60 minute lesson and a meeting to get through before I had a chance to get dry unfortunately I got soaked again walking home and have not been able to get fully warm since. : (
I sat wrapped in a duvet drinking vodka and shivering most of Friday night.
If I get my hands on the person who set that alarm off I will rip them limb from limb and then I will pass them on to several other people who would like a 'word' with them

Thoughts!!!

Life is not always straightforward in fact sometimes it deviates beyond all expectations and no matter how hard we plan we cannot make preparation for every eventuality. Here are a few thoughts that made me laugh that definitely have a different outlook.

6 thoughts to ponder !

Number 6 -

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 5 -

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Thirsty, If you see him without a beer, make him a sandwich.

Number 4 -

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 3 -

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence?

Number 2 -

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT IS:

We know exactly where one cow with 'mad cow disease' is located among the millions of cows in England, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the ‘Department of Agriculture’ in charge of immigration...??!!
just a thought : )

God part 2

For those of you who may have missed God part one I will recap
Dormarth and I were having a philosophical discussion as to how you would approach your maker after your demise, if your life had been less than ideal
Gabriel was of course around but the one everyone forgets is God’s faithful old retainer complete with sarcastic witt and strong Birmingham accent
Ahh you are beginning to see where this is going not quite the ideological discussion you had imagined well it wouldn’t be would it with us two
Anyway when we left God’s retainer (in strong brummy accent) was calling for assistance from Gabriel to bring an eye patch and a spare ceramic testicle
(El Reg story about castrated dogs having ceramic testicle replacements)
While you, albeit with a very smug grin on your face are on a downward journey

God part 2

God has decided that he is the benevolent one and is granting dormarth another audience to make amends. The faithful old retainer hovers in the background nervously

God…. “Welcome my child I hope we can put behind us the animosity of the past “

dormarth….Visual expletive (the V sign) rotated 180 degrees then 90 degrees horizontal and delivered with extreme prejudice

Oh Gabriel……(remember the accent) do we still have that golden retriever guide dog that passed away last week oh and you might want to bring that white stick as well…… the poof did it again! …. Gabriel? ……GABRIEL!!!!

Very camp disembodied voice of Gabriel…..”get it yourself luvvey I quit!!!
Stan and Gabriel mince off towards the elevator arm in arm
dormarth….. “DOWN PLEASE” !
Gabriel…(dropping to knees with lustful smile) ooh I thought you’d never ask?
ZIP
Dormarth...with satisfied, correction, make that soon to be satisfied look on face : p

Doors close

Fire Alarms and Explosions!

I had almost decided that I really didn't have enough time to keep up with this blog. What with trying to set up the company and the social whirl that is my life. Okay so the social whirl bit is a lie! but I do seem to have less and less time to get stuff done.
Anyway several people have convinced me to keep blogging and it is very theraputic even if no-one reads it, but I am still convinced something is stealing my time!....Probably some strange being from another planet.... No I don't mean Stan....Although there are times I think he is from another planet..
Anyway just had to tell you about a situation myself and a colleague caused last week.

There we were standing on a freezing tennis court during lunch hour because some little munchkin set the fire alarm off again!
Oooopps not a munchkin at all...It was apparantly me and Bill (looks sheepish)
We had been doing a demonstration for year 8s on reactivity, how some gases react when burnt
okay so far.....we started with a balloon filled with Hydrogen...Loud bang lots of screaming kids (cool, sometimes i just love this job :)
We then did the same thing with a balloon of oxygen... moans of disappointment no explosion... Ahh but that was the plan lull them into a false sense of security.
"Okay kids we have put a mixture of the 2 gases together in this last one"
As we set up the third balloon you could hear the comments about how pathetic this one was going to be!
"okay kids, are we ready"
Bill and I exchange a knowing smile and I light the balloon
(I think we used too much)
The ensuing explosion was heard through all the labs and brought several members of staff running, half expecting to find a pile of rubble where the lab should have been..... All they found was a class of completely stunned kids and two very smug teachers....
Now that should have been the end of it, except the explosion we created had dislodged the alarm sensor in the ceiling and 10 minutes later it shorted and set the alarm off
We had a 20 minute lecture on the dangers of being over zealous with our explosions
(trust me you can never be over zealous with exposive materials)
However there is an up side to this...
The fireman was very cute :)

~Alternative Christmas~

Well its the middle of the night and once again I have raging insomnia
So rather than lie in bed listening to everyone else in the house sleeping soundly, I decided to use this time to catch up on some work (I am nothing if not a practical insomniac) If this doesn't put me to sleep nothing will.....
1 hour later...
So that didn't work I might as well blog for you the conversation I had with my offspring about alternative toys that would NOT be available this Christmas. Such as the less well known Barbie collection, for example the computer game
'Banged up Barbie'
Help Barbie through her 7 year prison sentence for Asbestos smuggling..or
'Corporate Secretary Barbie'
Help Barbie suck hr way to the top in this bush bashing action game. Face the ultimate challenge when you find out not all her superiors are men
Do you give up? or drink from the furry goblet...or the classic
'Chav Barbie'
Help Barbie claim as many benefits as possible. Fight your way around the ASBO restrictions to get her to the STD clinic. Help her to cut down her smoking and drinking during her pregnancy to progress to the next level ' Single parent Barbie'
Or who could forget a classic like...
'Transvestite Ken'
Help Ken to get his hands on all Barbies dresses.
Learn the art of back, sack and crack waxing.
Comes complete with cutting one liners, flase eyelashes and wig.
Come on Matel you are missing out on a goldmine here !

Oh and just in case you had not realized
Santa is an anagram of Satan !!!!
Merry Christmas All